I have started to write several times but just can’t complete a thought. Since I started treating my ADHD and other various mental health issues in early summer 2015 I go through these periods where I feel like I am doing a lot of mental, emotional, intellectual growth. It is hard to explain but I become very reclusive. It is essentially like I am peeling back layers.
I often tell my hubby I need to just talk into a recorder to take dictation of my thoughts. Or, that I need to get over my fear of hearing my own voice and seeing myself on video and start a Vlog section.
But right now I write in my blog mentally DAILY. Hopefully one day I will be at a place where I can write more.
One of the big differences about me, and something I am newly able to articulate is that I think in pictures. The best way to describe it and for lack of an easier way to explain it; it is like watching a movie or I assume what most people experience in a daydream. This is not a daydream though, I think this way all the time. Putting my thoughts into words people who know me well can understand can be challenging sometimes. However, putting my thoughts into coherent words for the general public to understand, that takes a lot for me.
I get tired, I get overwhelmed and I want to sleep. I have to give 200% concentration to write a blog post. And then it usually takes me at least 1 if not 2 -3 days to complete a full blog post.
One of the things that I have decided regarding my blog is trying to do more focused blog posts. I know that is what most bloggers do but I am absolutely the opposite of focused. Anyone who has ever tried to carry a conversation with me knows what I am talking about. This in it of itself will be a challenge. BUT! I never give up on a challenge. My plan is and will continue to always be trying to find ways to improve myself and my life so it is easier to not only LIVE but it will make it easier to blog too. I have a lot to offer the world and no one will ever know unless I keep trying. I promised myself that no matter how much I might just want to throw in the towel sometimes I will keep going. After all if you can’t be obligated to and accountable to your own self how can you be to anyone else?
An example of obligation to and accountability to oneself, lately I have in my down or exhausted times, and since this last 4 weeks has been so rough on me in every way possible that I really can just quit if it is too much.
The truth is, if you really stop to think about it…. I have no external obligation to do this this blog. I am not making money from it, no one is counting on it. Hell, I don’t even know if anyone reads the damn thing. But all that aside my obligation is to write this for is for myself. It always has been. If I was writing this blog solely for others it would definitely be more active, more entertaining and make a ton more sense.
I have a very hard time even understanding and deciphering my own thoughts, feelings, body, other issues. I realize that because of this “blogging” (if you can call it that) has already helped me immeasurably and it can do nothing but continue to help me. These are ways I cannot even begin to explain without making a whole new blog post, let me tell ya!!
The person writing this post today is a lot more rational, calm, and logical, and too many more to list, I now feel like I can start to really get this blog going in the direction I envisioned. For as long as I can remember I have always had the urge to document my life. I just never had a way until now.
So for those of you who read this, if anyone does at all thank you and just know that it has been a very long journey to get to where I was even able to start understanding myself, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. I am not even close to the person I thought I was in some ways but that I am finding the person I always knew was hiding in there and discovering someone totally new in the process. I have changed in so many ways, there are just too many to list, it is huge and amazing. I am finally beginning to appreciate this wild roller coaster I have called life.
Thank you to my followers, now and in the future. It means a lot to me to be able to start trying to share so much that has been locked up tightly. I unlock more and more all of the time. When someone reads my writing, even if it is a critique I am thankful. In order to do a proper critique it first means one had to spend time reading this in full, correct?