The Loopy Llama is my answer to all of the things I want and need to do in my life to continue on my mission to “feel human” as my psychiatrist likes to say.
Presumed Question Time: Who are you & why don’t you feel human?
Well I am me. I am a 37 (nearly 38 now) year old stay at home mom of 2 living kids. My husband provides for our family and we live in middle class suburbia just outside of Denver Colorado.
Common things I have heard regarding my life as described above; “you are SO lucky!”, “Sounds like a charmed life”, “Your mom must be proud”, You have accomplished so much”, and my favorite of all “I WISH I had your life”
Looks can be and often are deceiving. I used to work so hard to look “normal” at all costs. My entire life I have wanted nothing more then just to be normal. My doctor (PCP) said it best at my appointment earlier today.
“Remember you ARE normal in a completely abnormal way”
After 37 (almost 38) years, and a whole lifetime of being dehumanized I am finally in a place where I can finally meet the little girl hidden inside of me behind the endless masks of despair, hurt, sadness. This precious child who needed to be loved and nurtured but instead was written off, called crazy, and so on.
This blog was originally started last fall as an attempt to do something I felt like I needed to do (See This blog post). I just didn’t have the tools, self awareness or knowledge and understanding of, well anything actually to be able to pull off what I ‘thought’ I wanted to do. I didn’t realize that a blog would force me to become introspective in ways I didn’t even know were possible.
But being a head first jumping in kinda gal I went for it. I had unknowingly jumped head first into this rabbit hole I could have never prepared myself to venture down (think Alice following the White Rabbit). You could say it opened my eyes to places in my mind that I didn’t even know were in the realm of possibility of existence in MY head. This “Rabbit Hole” started me on the path of self awareness I could have only dreamed about. With this new power on self awareness on my side I found it opened many doors and helped provide so many answers and so much clarification and the icing on the cake, I have finally found some small amount of vindication for a lifetime of feeling invisible.
There are some people out there who take bad things and let them fester and cause hate and resentment. I am trying to take a lifetime’s worth of unpleasant things and turn them into good.
This blog is my outlet for letting people in. I have never been good at truly opening up. I don’t really know how. But I am going to tell my stories, share my thoughts, share my bad days and my good days. I am hoping that by blogging I will finally find myself a REAL voice. I will be able to get my thoughts out there and maybe help someone else who has been lost and needs that one little light of hope to spark a fire of motivation in themselves.
Who am I? I am Alyssa, The Loopy Llama. A strong, brilliant, beautiful HUMAN. To my readers now and in the future. Thank you for reading the first page of the rest of “Its the Loopy Llama’s” life. Hopefully this blog will help me get to know myself and help others finally get to know me as well.
The Loopy Llama